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Name: KT Mae | Gender: Hungry Chipmunk | Age: 28 | Posts: 4,322 | Roses: 25
Old 02-13-2008 at 10:05 PM
The Khanum
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You all should get the picture by now...people say stupid/amusing/profound things (usually limited to the first two, with the majority in the former), so here's your chance to share it with TPO. I know at my school I overhear plenty of amazingly humorous conversations in the elevators alone, usually involving Uggs. (They're a theme on campus.)

At any rate, post away! Make us laugh. We enjoy that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Christine View Post
ME: *trying super hard to open pickle jar in dim lighting*
MY UNCLE: "I thought you were strong, what, you can't open a pickle jar?"
ME: *tries harder* "I can do it!" *wipes hands*
ME: "Grrrrr!"
*pickle jar lid pops up*
ME: *binks*
ME: "um...Uncle Frank?"
MY UNCLE: *turns to look at me* "Yeah?"
ME: "I figured out why the pickle jar was so hard to open." *turns on light, and shows UNCLE the plastic still stuck to the lid*
Oh, and I had something silly to add. I usually don't quote myself on account of my severe lack of humorous anecdotes, but I was having a conversation with three of my friends over lunch, and here was my opening to my topic of discussion:

KT Mae: "Hey guys, funny story. My great-uncle exploded!"

(True statement, by the way.)


♦ so why did you bawl from the spell of some old holy song? ♦

some liar laughed as he composed, some liar i loved to control
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Name: James the Exceedingly Evil | Gender: Phan Dude | Age: 29 | Posts: 1,908 | Roses: 0
Old 02-14-2008 at 02:20 AM
IamErik771
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 Post [2] »


Quirks at Work -- with my coworker Chad and some of the professors at the college.

Chad: I rented this great DVD the other day.
Me: Oh? Which one?
Chad: "π." (Pi)
Me: *playing dumb* What kind of pie? Apple?
Chad: The kind of π that can destroy the world.
Me: Ohhh . . . COW PIE!

~~~

(Jerry, my English prof, goes off on a tangent while interviewing an IT expert)

Jerry: . . . and every time they'd throw a party, the room would be full of engineers. That's almost an oxymoron, because you can't really call it a "party" if there's a certain number of engineers there, but I digress . . .

~~~

(A humorous segment on Jerry's English 100 show in which he discusses grammar with a nerdy student named Bob, played by Chad)

Jerry: Okay, the problem with this sentence is that it changes the subject on us halfway through. So the subject shouldn't be "you;" it should be "a man."
Chad (as Bob): . . . but . . . I am a man!
Jerry: *facepalm*

Jerry: Bob, what part of this sentence is the dependent clause?
Chad (as Bob): I dunno, but I once had a girlfriend who told me I was codependent.
Jerry: . . . You had a girlfriend?

~~~

(Filming a remedial math course with Cory, the math prof)

Cory: The solution to an addition problem is called the sum. So if you turn down the lights when you do your addition, you'll have a dim sum.

Cory: You've all heard the term 'algebra.' Al-Jibrah is a new terrorist group. I think they've been spotted building and transporting weapons of math instruction . . . better watch out.


It's wiser to be mad... in a world that's gone insane!
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Name: Super Samness | Gender: Wonder Woman | Age: 27 | Posts: 3,913 | Roses: 50
Old 02-14-2008 at 07:49 PM
Erik
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 Post [3] »


[11:48] Samness -- hug?: it's valentine's day
[11:48] Kilgore Trout: WELL
[11:48] Kilgore Trout: GIVE IT BACK TO HIM
[11:48] Samness -- hug?: ....what
[11:48] Samness -- hug?: OH
[11:48] Samness -- hug?: XD
[11:48] Kilgore Trout: hahahahhaa
[11:48] Samness -- hug?: OMG
[11:48] Samness -- hug?: XDDDDD

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Name: Cassie | Gender: Señorita | Posts: 4,083 | Roses: 185
Old 02-14-2008 at 11:29 PM
Mrs Nadir Khan
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Me: I’ve decided that I’m going to be a stand up comedian. All I need to do…
Dad: (interrupts) Is stand up.
Me: What? No!
Dad: So you’re going to be a sit down comedian?

Dad: Girls! Put away the dishes.
Chrissy: *giggles*
Dad: And this time, don’t stack the wet Tupperware.
Chrissy: *laughs harder*
Dad: (leaves)
Me: What is so funny?
Chrissy: TPO scrambled is POT!

Me: (explaining Gary/Vivien RP) …So Gary’s dad told him that sex or naked people or something changes everything.
Chrissy: (to the tune of “Love Changes Everything) Sex. It changes everything. Names and faces, earth and sky. Sex. It changes everything. How you live and how you die…

(Working on a History project)
Courtney: You couldn’t find Holland if it was labeled on a map!
Me: Could too.
Courtney: No. You couldn’t even find it if it was the only country on the map!
Me: Could too.
Courtney: No. You’d still be pointing to Denmark.

Mrs. V: If I’m not here, turn the paper in to Mr. G
Matt: Erm… Why? He teaches Geography…
Mrs. V: Yeah. But he’s always here.
Me: Yeah. He sleeps in school.
Matt: Really?
Me: Oh yeah. Me and Courtney were hanging out in his classroom one time when Mrs. V kicked us out and he totally has a sleeping bag back there.

Me: Did you know Spain was named after the hyrax?
Mom: It was not. Otherwise, it would be called Hyrax.

Mr. M: Shawn, sacan la capucha!
Shawn: No thanks, sir. I tried that once and it’s not exactly something I want to do in school….
(Sacan la capucha is Spanish for “take off your hood”)

Chrissy: What’s it say about my name?
Me: (reading from name book) that you like to be alone to do breathing exercises and meditation.
Chrissy: Shut up, Cassie! I’m breathing!
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Name: Nadya | Gender: Kitty | Age: 31 | Posts: 1,489 | Roses: 30
Old 02-14-2008 at 11:34 PM
Isabella Delancy
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 Post [5] »


Haha, kinda a three-way conversation between me, Chant and Alexis. I say kinda, cause I had one IM with Chant and a separate with Alexis but occasionally cross-linked them...heh it amused me anyway. :D This is taken from my chat with Chant with the odd insert from Alexis:

Nadya: anyway.....what're you upto?
Chant: eating an ice cream sandwich. alexis has just informed me that when you file your taxes you get MONEY? back
Nadya: really??? wow!
Nadya: I want money!
Chant: move to america!
Nadya: psssh
Nadya: and spend how much cash on the flight over? where would I stay?
Chant: uh duh you can love with me! or alexis! we're both in the south!
Nadya: oh awesome!
*IMs Alexis*
Nadya: haha, she agrees
Nadya: I figure I'll live with whichever of you gives me the biggest incentive
Chant: well...i have a pool. and there's a neighborhood gym
Alexis: LIVE WITH ME! I HAVE A POOL AND BEACH HOUSE! You'll be living in your own little house!
Nadya: can you compete with my own beach house?
Chant: goddamn alexis and her bayou ways! i don't have your own beach house, but we have property in florida we can buld a house on for you! it's on the beach and you can have my dad's speedboat that's at my gram's house
Nadya: build me a house?? that does sound very cool....
Alexis: Yeah, just move in with me. [nods] Chant probably have you in jail in less than a week
Chant: she's right though. but like a true friend...i'd bail you out
Nadya: Alexis, they can build me a house....
Alexis: ....I
Alexis: am
Alexis: cooler
Nadya: hahahahaha
Nadya: I think Chant'd beg to differ


...yes I'm bored, and yes I have no life. Who cares?? *cough*

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Name: (Ch)Rissy/Riss | Gender: Goddess | Posts: 4,070 | Roses: 100
Old 02-15-2008 at 02:28 AM
masquerading rose
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 Post [6] »


Doctor: *reading my doctor's notes and record* *Bursts into laughter* It says you have "Pinebox" disease...
Me: *Raises eyebrows and looks and laughs* Pinebox... That's great

Me: I have named my wrist Rice Krispies.
Dad: Why?
Me: 'cause it goes snap, crackle and pop!

Me: *riding in the wheelchair* I"M NESSAROSE!!!!
People in hallway: *stare*
Mom: *pushes me away in wheelchair*
Me: *Sings Boq's part in Dancing Through Life*

Doctor: You like a sweet girl, so I'm sorry you get stuck with such a smart-a** doctor.
Mom: It's okay, she's used to it.
Doctor: Hey, Christina I like your shoes. Can I have them? Naw, nevermind I could fit you in my shoe...
Doctor: *Is talking about kidney stones* It's like beaver is knawing at your insides. I've heard it's worse than child birth.
Me: Wow. Cool analogies.
Doctor: You know what "analogy" means?
Me: *nods*
Doctor: I don't
After all my vitals and stuff is done, We leave and get a wheelchair
Mom: Do you want me to carry your crutches?
Doctor: Psh. She can carry her own d**n crutches.

Sticker: 63% of all statistics are false... including this one.


If I can't hear the music, and the audience is gone,

I'll dance here on my own.


Banners by Rose, my sister, and me.
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Name: Rose/Michele | Gender: A Woe to Man | Posts: 1,716 | Roses: 220
Old 02-15-2008 at 04:06 AM
A_Single_Rose
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Das ist ein Bingo!

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 Post [7] »


In History class:

Teacher: It's amazing how people all over the world know so much about the U.S.
Friend: Well that's because the U.S. is so loud and out there.
Me: So [friend], could you be a country?
All: *laugh*

A load of quotes from a friend of mine:

Do fat people have a gravitational pull?
There are mountains in space?
Greece is in Africa, right?
Would a hamburger explode or have a reaction if I poured milk on it?
We had sex - I mean six! We had six!
I like sniffing smelly markers.
What's the scientific name for static electricity?
I shave my leg hair!


[signature under construction]
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Name: Mack | Gender: ...Mack | Posts: 369 | Roses: 68
Old 02-15-2008 at 04:59 AM
Katzenklavier
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Deliciously Decadent

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Me, Junior Scientist, age 9: Well, if I throw this empty bottle at the school window, it won't break. If throw water at it, it won't break. Therefore, if I put water in this bottle and chuck it at the window, it won't break!

Me: *walking behind my friend and rasping in a creepy whisper* I've got something in my front pocket for you...why don't you come over here and see what it is? Give it a little squeeze and say how do you do...

Me: Scientifically speaking, you're full of sh**.

My friends are all watching a movie. Two girls kiss.
Tom: Bet you like that, don't you, Ben?
Ben: I AM NOT A LESBIAN!

Ben: You are like this hot dog! *wags hot dog* I could eat you! I could devour you in my stomach! (I should note that Ben ended up going to a top Ivy League school)

Me, writing fanfiction: "His voice was like sexy water running over equally sexy rocks."

"All of the sudden we were in the middle of a passionate flaming blazing scorching searing fiery combusting inferno-y liplock. As you might have guessed, it was hot."

Me, at my friend's Star Trek party: *grabs and sticks one Vulcan ear on* Hey nerds! I'm a half-elf! Heehee!

Me: If I were a gay man...yaidle daidle daidle dum...
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Name: Shadow/Han Solo/Brittany | Gender: Chipette | Age: 27 | Posts: 1,488 | Roses: 40
Old 02-15-2008 at 05:23 AM
Forgotten Angel
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 Post [9] »


James, Cory totally stole that last one from an email that was going around a few years back. If I still had it, I'd totally post it here to prove it. ^^ By the by, "algebra" really was created by an Arab, and it really WAS derived from "al gebra" - we had a mini-lesson on the guy in my Algebra 2 class sophomore year. I believe he also created the modern numerical system (i.e. he created these symbols: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0).

Now...

Ms. Friedrich: Having sex before marriage is like eating sex before breakfast. Wait, that came out wrong.

Student: Why did you guys dress in drag instead of getting real girls?
Pavel: Well, I don't have enough money to get a sex change, so...

Mike: your computer is possesed
Me: it really is
Mike: i know
Mike: we should try an execution
Me: you mean an EXORCISM?
Mike: YES! i blame the pope...

During the presentation on Measure for Measure...
Student1: He'll only spare your life if I agree to eat cereal with him!
Student2: I'm your brother! You should love me enough to be willing to do anything for me!

Ms. Friedrich: [talking about her troubles with the new copy machine] Usually it just says to remove and replace D1 or something like that. But this time it was saying, "Remove D1, shake, replace D1. Rotate C2 90 degrees clockwise. Stab the machine. Roll it over. Switch A1 and B2. Rotate Z1 and Z2 180 degrees in opposite directions. Reload paper. Etc!"


All [alone] he [turns] to [stone]
While [holding] his [breath] half [to] death.

[Terrified] of [what]'s [inside].
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Name: Nadya | Gender: Kitty | Age: 31 | Posts: 1,489 | Roses: 30
Old 02-16-2008 at 11:59 PM
Isabella Delancy
Wandering Child
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Brainwashed by the Cult

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Roaming Dungeons
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 Post [10] »


Talking about a character of mine on PE and Ashley possibly creating someone to go with it.

Nadya: I had fun with her so I can imagine unnamed guy will be fun too
Ashley: Yes, now who would be a good Ai for Lexi.
Nadya: oh god....I have noooo idea. either someone very good looking that she can be attracted to physically, or someone not so good looking but who challenges her mentally. or y'know...both
Nadya: hahaha. a good looking, brainy guy
Ashley: That helpsssss....psssh.
Nadya: I like being helpful!
Ashley: I was being sarcastic.....d-u-h
Nadya: what? no really!?!
Ashley: GASP! I know.
Nadya: wow....sooo glad you cleared that one up
Ashley: i know, you are welcome muchly.

Random Nadya/Ashley chatter on the subject of my msn Gaspard!Twilight icon/taking over the world from my closet/Ashley's true identity.

Ashley: hahaha, fuuny icon.
Nadya: that you JUST notice??
Nadya: haha, I've had it allllllll the time I've been online
Ashley: *cough* yes...lmao.
Ashley: I am tired. leavemealone...pshh.
Nadya: no excuse for being unobservant
Ashley: yes it is.
Ashley: so there.
Ashley: ha.
Nadya: oh that *so* told me
Ashley: yes.
Ashley: it.
Ashley: did.
Nadya: or.......not
Ashley: hey, i can find out where you live and really hide your closet.
Ashley: you don't want me doing that, do you?
Nadya: do I? *considers*
Nadya: well...then you'd be in England and we can plot world domination easier...
Ashley: yes, we can take over the world, all from your closet.
Nadya: ooooh joy! that's our official new headquarters!
Ashley: yes!
Ashley: as long as i can put pictures of Joe Jonas in my corner of the closet, righttt? haha.
Nadya: weeell........so long as my corner is the opposite one to yours so I'm far away from them that's fiiiiiine
Ashley: pssssh.
Ashley: do you see how gorgeous he is? what is wrong with you?
Ashley: Wait....we might be here a while if you explain what's wrong with you....hahaha.
Nadya: pfft, I'm normal!
Nadya: totally normal!
Ashley: Yeah...normal. Suuuure and I am Christina Aguilera really.
Nadya: woah, REALLY!?!
Ashley: YES!
Ashley: I have been pretending to a girl names Ashley.
Nadya: wow!
Ashley: But don't tell anyone.
Nadya: ohh I won't....*assures, then spills to everyone by accident*
Nadya: oops

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