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Name: Ran | Gender: Female | Age: 28 | Posts: 1,118 | Roses: 84
Old 07-15-2007 at 07:03 AM
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So, this might be really long but I feel like I need to share it. You know how you forget most dreams if you try and think of them? I mean, it's like, the more you try to remember, the more you forget. I lost my love and best friend (his name was Isaac) back in August of 2005 for those who don't know and I had many dreams for a long time about him, starting a few weeks after he died. He would be in them and I would look at him and tell him that he was not suppose to be here and then he would get frustrated because he didn't understand. We would fight and then I woke up...almost always crying. They varied in time, place, and the fight was not always the same. They changed with my stages of grieving. I even had ones where I saw him die at the very beginning. But, onto the one that has really changed things. Well, I have only had one dream that has stuck out vividly in my mind long after I had it. I think it was two or three weeks ago:

I was at my highschool in the stands playing my trumpet (i'm in marching band) and it was so weird because it was two years ago. I mean, the people that graduated in 2005 were there playing and they were all exactly as I remembered them. To be exact, it was that time. I was a sophomore and yet, I was the person that I am today. I still felt that emptiness of losing him, I felt that constant sadness, the uncontrollable grief, the lack of was all still there. I had cried those many tears and yet he was standing beside me blasting away on his trumpet. I did not look at him and tell him he was not suppose to be here. I was just trying to figure out what was going on. Then after halftime, he pulled me aside and said he needed to speak to me. I said okay and he took my hand and led me away from the football game. It was weird because suddenly we were in front of this old house and he took me inside, still holding my hand. We sat down on the floor, still in our marching band uniforms and he said, “Something is wrong.” I of course acted like nothing was wrong and said I didn’t know what he was talking about. He said, “You are different...yesterday you were you and today I don’t know you. You are very sad and I can see it in your eyes. And it kills me because I know I am the reason why.” I told him I was just having a bad day and that I had nothing to be sad about. I was about to cry even as I said it to him. “You don’t have to lie to me...I want to ask you a question and I want you to be honest...Am I going to die?” Well, at this I did cry and I told him yes and that it was so strange because I had already lived through it. I told him he had broke my heart and it was still broken and it was breaking even more because I was talking to him now. He got up off the floor and walked over to a bed that I had not even noticed. He sat down on it and he was looking away from me. I sat down on the bed in front of him and turned his face to me. He was crying and I wiped away his tears. “But instead of telling you these things, I should be telling you what I feel like I didn’t say enough while you were here. I love you more than words can express. I don’t want to lose you but I know it is going to happen.” I took his face with both of my hands and rested my forehead on his. “Oh, I already knew that didn’t have to say it and no matter what happens to me, I will never really leave you. Promise you won’t forget me...I love you.” We were both crying and I promised him. Then he kissed me and I woke up.

Of course I was crying when I awoke but it was almost like a relief to have that dream. All the others had been so negative and bad and this one was sort of like him telling me it was all going to be okay. I am still grieving but ever since that dream, things have been a little easier for me. I miss him everyday but every time I get really upset, I just remember that dream and remember the times he really did say I love you and it makes me feel better. Just thought I’d share that.

I just wanna be alone now with the dark and the light. That's my favorite color blue there

As the sun sets in the sky, there's just something in the hue there in the corner of my eye
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